


if i could turn back time

by st4rlabsforever (omaken)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Major Whump, post 2x11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 01:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11117445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omaken/pseuds/st4rlabsforever
Summary: Alec can’t breathe.He’d let them torture...Magnus had almost...and Alec hadn’t realized…Alec watches in a stupor as Valentine – as Magnus –  is led out of the holding cell. The room suddenly feels too small and yet Magnus isn’t close enough. Alec should probably say something, anything to let Magnus know that he’s here now, that he sees Magnus and he believes him. But the words stick in his throat and then Catarina and Raphael are whisking Magnus away from the astonished horde of shadowhunters who had gathered at the commotion.





	if i could turn back time

**Author's Note:**

> oops...i was sad about the ending of 2x11 and then this happened

Alec can’t breathe.

He’d let them torture...Magnus had almost...and Alec hadn’t realized…

Alec watches in a stupor as Valentine – as _Magnus –_ is led out of the holding cell. The room suddenly feels too small and yet Magnus isn’t close enough. Alec should probably say something, anything to let Magnus know that he’s here now, that he sees Magnus and he believes him. But the words stick in his throat and then Catarina and Raphael are whisking Magnus away from the astonished horde of shadowhunters who had gathered at the commotion.

Alec had...the Clave had almost executed Magnus and Alec would’ve been none the wiser.

He can’t breathe.  The stone walls of the Institute are spinning and it feels like the floor is going to give way beneath his feet.

*

It’s been two weeks since Catarina assisted with reversing the body swap, and in that time he hasn’t heard a word from Magnus. All Alec knows is that Catarina and Raphael have been presiding over Magnus’s recovery, and that Raphael won’t let him within a stone’s throw of the loft.

Clary only shakes her head with sad eyes when Alec tries to leave the Institute to check up on the situation. By her side, Jace looks just as wrecked.

“We should’ve listened to him…” Jace says.

Alec knows if he could just... _see_ Magnus, speak to him face-to-face, he could fix this. What he’d actually say to Magnus, he’s not entirely sure. The conversation has played out a million different ways in his head. _I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. Forgive me._ None of it seems adequate in the slightest. Catarina had noticed something was wrong. Hell, Raphael of all people had caught on before Alec, and Alec knows he doesn’t have the history with Magnus like those two do, but he was _dating_ Magnus now. That had to count for something, didn’t it? But the only thing Alec can circle back to is _he should’ve known._

Magnus hadn’t sustained any physical injuries per se, but Alec’s witnessed enough of his friends and family tortured to know that the mental trauma is significant.

He punches the wall and revels in the feeling of old wounds being reopened. Even as Jace and Clary call out to him, Alec slinks back to his living quarters to brood in peace.

*

The days continue to pass in silence. He tries to keep his texts to Magnus to a minimum, both out of respect and to give him much space as possible.

Usually, Magnus is the one with loose fingers, Alec’s replies being short and to-the-point, but for the first time since he’s known Magnus, their message thread is populated almost solely by a sea of Alec’s unanswered questions.

On the twentieth day, he caves and texts Catarina and she actually responds. Her words are thought out and infinitely kind, but the details are distressingly few and far between, essentially boiling down to “be patient.”

At this point, all he wants is an update on how Magnus is doing. He gets Raphael’s number from Simon and has a message drafted up. Raphael would be blunt. He’d want Alec to know the damage he’d caused, and it would hurt but at least then Alec would _know_. As it is, he’s completely left in the dark right now.

Alec furiously taps at the backspace key. It’s enough to make him physically nauseous. In the end, Raphael had saved Magnus. Raphael, who Alec had patronized and sneered at barely a day before he had nearly lost Magnus forever. Despite what had happened with Izzy, he owed the vampire a thank you. A thanks _and_ an apology. In person.

*

The apology, like everything else in Alec’s life at the moment, doesn’t go as planned.

“Hold still,” Jace says, squeezing Alec’s cheeks together so he can get the last of the stitches in without Alec wincing. “What were you thinking, going in unarmed like that?”

Alec shrugs.

Raphael had flown at him in a rage, an incredulous “you’re sorry?” flying off his lips. And Alec hasn’t ever really stopped to think about how much Magnus means to so many people. To Alec, Magnus is a friend and a lover – a lover only for the past two months but a lover nonetheless – but to Raphael? Alec knows the warlock had practically raised Raphael himself, nurtured him and helped him adjust to the sometimes vicious intricacies of the downworld. To Raphael, Magnus was more than a father figure.

And so Alec hadn’t fought back, not that he could have without his weapons anyway. He has no doubt that had Catarina not intervened, Raphael would’ve beaten him to within an inch of his life. Alec probably would have let him, too. At least then he’d feel like he was doing something useful.

“You just have to give it time,” Jace says quietly. “I know everything will work out. You two are meant for each other.”

Alec ponders that as he falls asleep, too tired and body too beaten to do much else.

*

On the twenty-ninth day, he gets a text from Catarina and sprints down to the loft as fast as his runes allow him to.

The door doesn’t open immediately and Alec notices the wood feels different, too. Not the physical texture, but...the wards. Of course. Perhaps it was Catarina’s doing – what with the High Warlock of Brooklyn out of commission for the time being, it was best to be cautious. At least, that’s what Alec _hopes_. The alternative is too much to bear.

The dark oak swings back, and Catarina greets him with a warm smile.

“How is he?” Alec asks immediately.

“Better than he was,” Catarina says, leading Alec over to the balcony. No Raphael today, thankfully. “The magic Azazel used to force the swap was not without its consequences.”

Alec’s stomach drops. “What does that mean?”

“It’s...his magic is not what it once was. The effects are reversible, but it’s going to take time.” Catarina knocks gently on the door to the balcony and says, “Alec is here. I’ll be right inside if you need me.”

Alec swallows. This is it. Magnus’s back is to him, but it’s the closest he’s been to Magnus in nearly a month. He hears the quiet click of the balcony doors being closed, and then he’s making his way over to the ledge. His heart beats out a presto rhythm similar to the first time he’d met Magnus, only now he’s anxious because he’s not sure how the man in question is going to react to his presence, not because of his immediate attraction to the mysterious warlock owner of Pandemonium.

“Alexander.” It’s quiet, but that word still ignites something in Alec in a way that’s somehow fundamentally different from how anyone else says it.

Magnus looks like his usual put-together self – his makeup, his hair, the jewelry. All of it. If Alec didn’t know better, he’d’ve said tonight was just business as usual. Another quiet night the two of them had to themselves in the midst of war. But Magnus hasn’t looked at him yet, and when he does, Alec notices the lack of eye contact.

“I’m glad you came,” he finally says.

Alec allows himself to relax, if only incrementally. “Of course,” he says, unsure of himself and deferring to Magnus to take the reigns on this exchange.

“I...Cat made realize that letting all of those texts go unanswered wasn’t fair to you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Alec moves to put a comforting hand on Magnus’s own when Magnus flinches violently and suddenly. He can feel the knife twist deeper into his heart. “I…”

“Sorry,” Magnus says hurriedly. He moves back closer to Alec, but the distance between them is larger now. Enough that he’s no longer within arm’s length of Alec. “I didn’t mean...that was a reflex.”

Alec nods and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He’s not sure what, exactly, he had been expecting.

“I, um…” Magnus starts with none of his usual bravado, “I think we should take a break.”

“What?” Alec yelps. Or at least he thinks he yelps.

“No relationship is without its rough patches, and I meant what I said about being committed to making this one work, but I need to fix myself.” Magnus opens a palm and whisks his fingers through the air, the result of which is a sad wisp of pale blue light.

“I can help,” Alec says, quick and desperate. “Not with the magic thing, but just–” he gestures around the balcony as if to encompass the two of them. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

“And I love that you are,” Magnus says. The fearful look in his eyes, though, the way he stares at Alec’s hands like they might burn him alive says it all. “But I can’t fix myself and us at the same time. I’m of no use to you or anyone else like this.”

And Alec wants to scream. Wants to throttle Magnus and let him know that it doesn’t matter how useful he can be to the Institute or...or whether he can even do magic at all. But he recalls the last time he stepped foot in this loft. The quick peck he’d given Magnus followed by the immediate request for help with the greater demon.

“I-I know I messed up,” Alec says frantically. “But…” He’s at a loss for words. He’d been so sure that once he was in front of Magnus everything would just magically fall back into place. His not believing Magnus back in the holding cell had created a breach of trust between them, but it hadn’t even occurred to him the sort of message he might be sending Magnus with the Institute’s constant requests for wards and summonings.

Nothing between him and Magnus would change if Magnus didn’t have his powers. Alec can say that with absolute certainty, yet he’s also sure at this point that Magnus wouldn’t believe him, not when Alec’s actions have spoken so loudly.

“It’s only temporary,” Magnus says quietly. “Cat’s got most of my duties covered, and Raphael’s been helping with the day-to-day things, so it’s best if you…”

 _‘Left’_ goes unsaid.

Alec swallows and nods even as Magnus wipes the tears from his eyes. “I understand, and...and I know it doesn’t mean much, but I’m sorry.”

He forces himself not to cry, wills away the shaking in his hands, and forces himself to put on a brave face because this is about Magnus, not himself. Alec knows they can bounce back from this. Owes it to Magnus to put in the effort and then some. He _fix_ this whole sorry mess.

Right now, though, Alec feels smaller than he ever has in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> check me out on [tumblr](http://st4rlabsforever.tumblr.com). comments and kudos always make my day :)


End file.
